What I will do ✅
Write clean, efficient code… unless coffee runs out.
Debug with the patience of a saint (most of the time).
Make your website faster than you can say “load time.”
Name variables more sensibly than “thingy” or “doStuff.”
Convert your vague “make it pop” request into something actually useful.
Enthusiastically nod during meetings while secretly thinking in JavaScript.
Help you make your website accessible to humans… and maybe a few aliens.
Deliver “just one more feature” like a magician pulling endless rabbits out of a hat.
Spend hours optimizing your site’s performance, and then blame the internet connection if it’s still slow.
Build your website to look awesome on all devices, even that ancient flip phone your uncle refuses to give up.
What I will NOT do ⛔️
Fix your printer. I’m not tech support.
Explain to your great-aunt what the “cloud” is. Ever.
Debug code at 3 AM… unless there’s pizza involved.
Make your logo “just a little bit bigger” for the 17th time.
“Hack into the mainframe.” What does that even mean?!
Use Comic Sans… unless you’re paying extra. A lot extra.
Promise your site will look the same in Internet Explorer.
Write a single line of PHP without at least one existential crisis.
Build a site that works flawlessly on Internet Explorer 6 (seriously, let it go).
Drugs